Final Reflection

I am really glad that i took this class. It was one of the best experiences that I have had in all my academic career. From the first class I knew I was going to love this class. I really liked the 10 things I noticed class because it was like a metaphysics/mindlfulness exercise for me. It was good because I was simultaneously in counseling dealing with the issues around my father's illness and then death. I noticed my negative thoughts/framing and then tried to make an intentional switch in what I focused on. This is an exercise that I will take with me and one that I think will help other people.

I think that my tech skills progressed through the semester however I didnt get to do as much as i would have liked given the circumstances. The hardest thing was letting go of my perfectionism...I saw very quickly that this is one thing I was not going to be able to perfect over a semester. I had never worked with any of the tech I worked with this semester and I just got a Mac so the class helped me break it in. I am glad now to have a new tool to enhance my poetry and expression. I feel liberated in that sense and was so glad to have the class as an outlett. I was able to help myself and adjust my thinking just by noticing what was going on with me in this class.

Clear writing is clear thinking and I wished on some levels that i could have taken this class when my thoughts were able to be clearer, but I am also glad that this class gave me some tools that I was able to use to navigate myself out of the fog. I have recommended it to everyone I know interested in performance studies.

Mockumentary

Here's the one with the Fairy Use Tale intro: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CuaLlyyrCoU

This video is a project that my students wanted to take up.For the documentary portion of this class I was very uninterested in the idea of a boring or straight forward documentary. I wanted something that was unique and perhaps humorous but informative. I also liked the method that Dr. Squire presented in class about turning the camera over to the subjects. If I did a straight forward documentary, it would have been about how my freshman view media and their new media literacy skills. Through turning over the process, they were able to pick an area that they were interested in make it their own and inject their perspective. What is revealed in the final project gets to some of the issues I would have raised...that my students come to the class with a utopian perspective of media and that a critical perspective needs to be fostered. This comes out in their formal research papers and this is the way their writing looks through video. I was pleased with the outcome.


Through it, they critique video sharing sites. I gave them creative flexibility so that the critique was theirs. I think one of the more interesting things that is revealed though this piece is that they are fairly uncritical of Google (Youtube) and don't get to the real issue of why Youtube is King....If i would have taken control of the project, YouTube might have been an evil King or even a sorcerer casting spells on people to secure its dominance. Their portrayal of Youtube as a benevolent King who could live peacefully with the other video sharing sites is similarly utopian. As these students are primarily advertising students and future media workers and not critics, this is not surprising. Doing this project gave me a better insight into how my students think.

From their perspective this is a fairy tale/mockumentary of Video Sharing Sites. For me it is a mockumentary/fairytale/critique of youth media literacy.

My first draft of this video I had an intro to the video with a Fairy Use Tale and and me mentioning that these were my students etc. I however like the video better without that add in.

On the technical side, because of all of the things that were going on for me at home with my father dying etc...I had to work remotely on this. Turning the process over also meant that I had to trust the students with the raw files. They lost the raw files and only had the version with the water marking over it. They couldn't figure out how to produce a video without the watermarking and this speaks to an issue in their digital literacy/skills as well as access. I like the watermarking because it is a reminder of this and it was a humbling issue that came up for my students who thought themselves to be Tech masters just months prior. The fact that they couldn't figure out a way to share their videos other than Youtube before this project (and then still shared via youtube afterward), everyone used blogger as their blog (as i am now), and most had android phones (also owned by google), had gmail email addresses outside of class... gets to how slight of hand the issue of media ownership and literacy are. Even my default decisions are googleized. They have never questioned their 'mastery' but it turns out they are only fluent in Google. Google search engines, sharing sites, applications etc and perhaps Yahoo...there is also some variation between pc and mac users.

__________________________
PRE PRODUCTION NOTES:

Inspired to do something related to media and something that can examine media that people interact with every day. I am teaching a media literacy class so something that is relative to that would be good. Perhaps issues that my students are having with tech literacy...I am considering letting the students pick the topic and letting the project unfold. I am a bit anxious about not controlling every detail of the project. Turning portions of the project over seems interesting and scary. I feel like i may be opening myself up for trouble, but here goes nothing. I will look at this video as a portion of something that i will do in the future which is compile videos of my students understanding of media from their own creative perspectives. I would then like to analyze them all. Therefore, these mini documentaries or mockumentaries would be a part of a larger documentary. I will let them to choose the tech amongst the things we have available.

_______

After talking to the students, they have decided to research video sharing sites. Which is good because I don't know much about them either. Initially they wanted to do something about Youtube soley...but I encouraged them to incorporate other video sharing sites...they looked dumfounded...OTHER video sharing sites? WHAT other video sharing sites? WOW I thought to myself...this is a project in in of itself. I told them to research video sharing sites other than youtube and pick which ones we should cast. They ultimately picked Blip TV, Vimeo, Daily Motion, Viddler--the top 5 video sharing sites. I expect there to be lots of conflict if they personify them. I am interested to see how these characters might battle. I can only imagine how nasty a Youtube character might be when it comes to competition:-). As far as the resolution, they want the piece to hilight the stregnths and weaknesses of the video sharing sites and ultimately why each one holds the position it holds in society. They want to use a basic macbook camera the tech they are used to. (Which surprised me since most say they are tech savvy...turns out they are not as savvy as they thought).


_______________________
Production Notes:

Questions: Which factors contribute to the dominance of one video sharing site over another? How do you envision the future interactions between the sites.

Style: They decided to do it in fairy tale style which I can appreciate because i didn't want a traditional straight forward documentary. They are going to use basic materials (markers, construction paper, straws, computer print outs ) to create a sort of digital puppet show. (Again this could be because they are not as tech savvy as they thought or because of time restraints etc. This should be fine because one of the students is a graphic design major and says she can draw. This is the plan B because they originally wanted to do use digitized characters. From what i understand currently, they have identified Youtube to be King and the kind will have brothers (the other sites) which will argue about who will take over the thrown. That sounds like its on the right track...I would be interested to see what the conversations these sites will have.

Something that worked well was just simply taping the paper on the wall...it looked better than i expected. The Mac camera was ok, but the lighting wasn't the best. We were able to adjust the audio and record in alternative places to reduce the echo effect.

I am particularly excited about the fact that they are controlling the creative process and therefore I will really see what they think about the lay of the media land.

One think I am anxious about is that I now have to work remotely because of my father being critically ill

_________________
Post Production:

Well, my father died. I am now far removed from the process...hope everything goes ok.



I am impressed by the footage the students took. There is a water marking however over some of the material because of something that was done in the conversion phase and the student didn't know how to bypass this. Again, something that spoke to the tech literacy issue. They were able to send things to me via YouSendit. I have been debating whether or not to create a video around their interpretation or to just leave it be. Right now I think I am just going to leave it be. It will be then, their interpretations of the media landscape as a mockumentary fairy tale.


______
Presentation:

Stregnths of this piece: creativity --I love the angle they took with the fairy tale. It was something unexpected and something I wouldn't have thought of. Research: I think there is decent research here based on what they found. Humorous: I think this is a light piece which is great. Coherency: I think the piece feels coherent and clear. Great under the circumstances: considering my father's death in the midst of all of this I think a great thing was pulled off.

Weaknesses: Utopian/Uncritical--I think the students didn't have a concept of media ownership which comes out in the utopian tone. We will have to cover this. Watermarking: couldn't get that off. Transition: At least in the piece where it leads with fairy use tale, transitions are a bit abrupt. I like the piece with out that add on a bit better because it doesn't feel as clunky but I miss the information...hmm....Sound was a bit muffled in some cases.

Reflecting on the 10 things I noticed

One thing I noticed is that this was really like an exercise on digital awareness. I notice that i see things in metaphor a lot of the time and I think poetically....however when I am very tired or uninspired I become quite literalistic. This shows in my work. Sometimes, when I look at the sun I see a metaphor for the life cycle....birth, life, death and then birth again...sometimes...particularally if I am depressed...I don't notice the sun at all. This prompt worked particularally well for me as an awareness/self-help tool. i noticed that I was focusing on a lot of negative things in the world. My world felt unfriendly so I created things like this. Toward the end of the semester I learned to interpret this as a critical lense instead of pessimism and learned to envision an alternative which made way for hope. This tone is reflected in my Coloring Book video and the Camerlot video. While both are still critical they still have a playfulness that I now appreciate. That was a success for me. Trying to find ways to smile in times like these. By focusing on the fact that it was dark and the day flew past me and how upset I was about that for example, I missed out on seeing how beautiful the stars were. Its all perspective. I have learned how to turn my camera lense to these things and to direct my thoughts. This is a skill that has ultimately saved me from drowning in my grief this semester.

What I "gave up"

At the beginning of the semester I gave up on the usage of the word 'I don't know.' My boyfriend was the one who saw that I used this term way too much. Turns out when I stopped saying that i didn't know that I actually pushed myself to figure some things out. It was very hard keeping myself from saying it for a week...two weeks. I tried to implement it moving forward and when i am conscious of it it is empowering and I shift myself into being more capable and in charge which is good because everything has been feeling out of control. It challenged me to summon my inner knowing. I have learned that by leading with this approach I have a victorious first step. Any time i didn't lead with this the 'I don't knows' ruined my project :-/ wish I kept it in mind more :-).

Video for Dad Script

Here is my initial script for my video about dad...

"How do you say goodbye to the world’s greatest dad? My father was a superhero (SHOT DAD)…for some people they took that literally. My dad was known around the community as Batman (SHOT OF BATMAN HAT) because of his ability to defy gravity in football and martial arts (SHOTS OF FOOTBALL AND KARATE PICS). Which is pretty cool because if he is batman…then that would make me the Huntress (SHOT OF HUNTRESS)… a long lost comic book heroine that no one knows about…that I discovered to be Batman’s daughter….anyway…My father was a hero he was a loving and attentive father attending all of my games, plays, dance recitals, he was our home room dad, field trip leader (SHOTS OF MY ACTIVITIES/LINS ACTIVITIES)…it seemed he could do everything and he made us feel like we could do everything too. One of my favorite memories of dad is when he and my mother (SHOT OF HIM AND MOM) were debating about what color to paint the house…he sat down with me on the front porch and asked me what color did I think it should be. At the time, I had a fondness for the Smurfs (SHOT OF ME AND SMURFS) so as you might have guessed, I told him the house should be Blue! Now, I wasn’t expecting anything to come of this but about a week later, I got off the school bus and stood in front of a Blue house (SHOT OF THE BLUE HOUSE)! It was amazing. It felt magical. I felt affirmed in my existence even then. My father had a nack for making people feel capable. For several years he poured his time and energy into coaching the Lakota tomahawks (SHOT OF LAKOTA TOMAHAWKS). One boy joined my father’s team because he knew that my father had played for the Raiders, the Packers, and the Cowboys (COWBOYS RAIDERS PACKERS SHOTS). He had played for a few teams before who wouldn’t let him play in the position that he was interested in. My father mentored him in the position he wanted to play and he became quite good at it. Here he is (SHOT OF JOHN CONNOR AND DAD)…does he look familiar? He should…that’s John Connor of the New York Jets (JOHN PLAYING NY JETS). One of my father’s many protégés. My dad had an affinity toward strange foods. Even on his death bed he fantasized about things that would gross some people out (play pocket dial/pigs feet clip)…while he never got that last pigs foot…I was able to bring him some banana pudding (SHOT OF BANANNA PUDDING)…his favorite and more importantly feed him his daily dose of laughter. My dad had a rule. He had to laugh at least once a day…my last semi coherent conversation I made him laugh as we joked about the times he failed beautifully as a handyman around the house…Like the time he sprayed Round up on the dandelions at the house. (SHOT OF ROUND UP) The product did its job and killed the dandelions…the problem was it killed everything else. Mom wasn’t too happy about that. He truly loved my mother. He gave her practically whatever she wanted. (MOM PRINCESS SHOT) He was so grateful for her love and as a matter of fact the last words I heard him say were “I love you” to my mother. (SHOT OF MOM AND DAD) My father was full of love. He was loving and jovial even as his body suffered major setbacks, amputations, infections etc. (DAD HOSPITAL SHOTS) He was a man of faith, teaching us to hold on to God even in times of despair. (DAD BIBLE) This was his favorite chain. (SHOT OF DAD'S CHAIN) He bought it in Mexico on a trip with my mom. He wore it every where. One day I started to take notice of the weather (SHOTS OF THE CLOUDS)…it seemed like it had been cloudy for at least a month. Every now and then the sun would peak through some clouds only to be covered up again. It was as if the sun was struggling to get free. The day they told us dad was going to die soon the weather was cold and windy (SHOTS OF BAD WEATHER), it even seemed like snow flurries were forming. Then at 3:26 in the morning the following day, my father made his transition at Christ hospital on April 6^th. (CHRIST HOSPITAL SHOT) Initially, I was devastated but as I cried over his body in the hospital I noticed the sun rising (SUNRISE) just outside the window. It had a strange calming effect on me. My father was no longer in his body. I had never realized how much his spirit made up his features. Without the laughter peaking through his teeth waiting to come out…I couldn’t recognize him. I was devastated because I thought him to be gone. With him, I thought the abundance of love, compassion, teaching, generosity…would follow him. Then later that day…It was a beautiful sunny day…It was as if the sun had finally broke free. I sat in my front yard crying when I noticed a big bird hovering over me. (RED TAIL HAWK SHOT) At first I thought it was a vultcher but then I noticed it was a hawk…my father was particularly fond of hawks. He loved their protective nature and their watchful eye…Their striking beauty and grace though they were fierce like any well trained martial artist (MARTIAL ARTS SHOT)…Well…this hawk flew in front of the sun casting a shadow on me until finally swooping down in front of me only about 7 to 10 feet in front of me, tracing the side walk and then going back in the air to circle our house. I knew then that my father was trying to get my attention (HAWK ANGEL SHOT). For subsequent days there were several hawks that I encountered. Some that hovered by my window, and others that perched in trees in ironic places…there was one perched in a tree near a kite festival (SHOTS OF KITES). My father and I used to fly kites so I took it as a sign and decided to go to the festival. I later flew a kite in his honor. A couple days later we got rid of his fleet of wheel chairs (SHOTS OF HIS WHEEL CHAIRS). Even the purple people eater as he called it (CLOSE UP OF HIS PURPLE CHAIR). The wheelchair that he bought with that color specified because purple and green were my school colors at the time. This even after he had a sworn vendetta against the color purple after he got sick from binging on jelly beans (JELLY BEAN SHOT) when he was a little boy…the purple one (ZOOM ON PURPLE JELLY BEAN), was the last one that pushed him over the edge he thought. It felt good to know that he would no longer need those wheelchairs and that he could now move without boundaries and could be with me at any time. So how do you say good bye to the world’s greatest father (SHOTS OF DAD)…You Don’t. (END WITH SHOT OF ME AND DAD) "

My Final Video

This is my final video...a collaborative piece with Gabby, a social work undergrad

nothing like what I thought was going to be my final video but the one for my dad was getting me to emotional and was taking a longer time consequently. I turned to my poetry as a coping mechanism and serendipitously fell into a partnership with a social work student who I performed for her class. She wanted to work with me on my poem...which worked out great because the other projects I was working on were stalling.

Here is the poem that I wrote...I performed it slightly differently than this script. Here is the initial script that I wrote.

Coloring Book

When I was just a child,

Colors

Were a part of my art lessons.

Things teachers hung on the walls as inspiration and gateways for self-expression.

Like God gift wrapped the rainbow just for our amusement.

There were never mistakes.

Never any rules about when and where to use them.

I colored in the pictures, skipped right over the lines and never once

looked over my shoulder while doing so.

I would color the corners, my desk, the walls—the world was my palate and I could transcend all boundaries.

No one could contain or own such beautiful colors

And one would be a fool to try.

But soon,

I was introduced to a new coloring system.

“Stay in the lines” they said.

Only brown and green could be used for trees.

“No, no, no..there’s no such thing as a purple elephant,

Here let me get you a grey crayon.”

Soon even I could see the separation.

Blues from greens,

Reds from yellows,

But none so much so as white from black.

They were the mysterious unused crayons that refused to mingle

Or the black would smudge the perfection of the white tip,

Or the white would dilute the power statement of pitch black.

The world became like my crayon box.

Not the ways of blending but the separation.

Only the black and white.

Fixated on the black and white.

Why is everything so damn black and white?

And even when other colors emerged, they held similar boundaries.

Soon I knew without question where to sit in the lunchroom and on the bus…

Which church to go to…

Which schools were bad…

Which jobs were good…

What colors not to wear in certain neighborhoods…

Which colors I needed to in college if I wanted to be popular…

Which restaurants to go to…

Everything.

I learned it from my coloring book.

The place where I was taught to color by numbers.

Never stray from the guide.

Never mix the colors.

But you know…

Sometimes I wish I could still see those blue trees

And purple elephants.

Color in any section that I wanted without being thinking twice.

I wish I could see my box of colors as I did before there were only two.

When my friends weren’t white or black

They were Kim, Kalena, Rico and Ryan

Before the “isms” crept in.

Yes, sometimes I wish I could see those colors,

Or even wish I could be “colorblind”

But the fact of the matter is,

When so many people are crying over colors,

Dying over colors,

Lying over colors,

A color isn’t just a color anymore—

And if I knew that so much pain would one day come from the same colors that once brought me joy,

I might have just skipped art class,

And left those crayons with all of their beautiful and painful colors,

In the box.

_________

Different from former videos this video paid closer attention to purposeful transition. Instead of the default fade out that I always used, This video varied transition type and speed to connect with the poem...for example the swirling connected to the word 'blending'. The split connected to the word 'seperation'. The shaking made the intensity increase in the poem. transitions occurred at different rates.

The sound was difficult for me to manipulate because after my previous video failure with the shotgun mic, I wasn't trusting myself with it again under tight time constraints...that being said, I recorded on the mac which i am also not familiar with doing. I found out how to edit sound and edit my takes in the audio precision editor. I am actually really happy that I did this because it inspired me to animate more of my poetry. Animation is not my specialty, but Gabby and I or even Erin from class could possibly collaborate again in the future or I could perhaps learn from them. :-) I was really happy about collaborating with Gabby to work through animation. Over all I am very happy about how this turned out. I think when we have time to reconnect we should readjust some of the scenes. I would like the scene that talks about 'which colors not to wear in certain neighborboods" to show gangs and the 'which restaurants to go to' to show different color advertising signs for fast food. Success. Finally.

Video for the I.D.E.A. Store

Video 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9wt16Vtv3g
Video 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b-Xdx331FnY
Video 3: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zQahA85BxpA

This assignment was particularally challenging though the most visually simple. I decided to push myself to use a camera outside of my camera phone so I tried the HD camera and the shot gun mic. This failed miserably as the mic recorded no sound, the battery in the camera died, and the tripod wasn't tall enough to do what I wanted to do. Beyond this, the video was impossible to get off the camera and even stumped the techs. I am so glad that I threw in the towel on the camera early into the session and went back to my handy dandy HTC EVO. Its a bit shaky as it was difficult to follow the instructor going so fast. This is the rough draft of a video I created for them. This class inspired me to help the idea store expand their offerings to have video recorded classes that people could download and purchase as opposed to having to be in the store. I can't quite figure out how to make things transition smoother, I think there is a lot of chatter that I would love to edit out but she is giving instruction and they wanted to make sure it was her voice not a voice over...which was my original solution. They also only wanted shots of her hands, none of the participants and i could only be in a specific corner. If they're happy...im happy...i guess. lol

Motifs and Metaphors

These are all motifs and metaphor videos (the one for theo was not made for class but there was an experiential motif...i used objects that represented some experience along side pictures and made a video around the cool things we have done together). The other vids were made specifically for the course. The don't throw me away piece is something that I will probably revisit when the class is finished and i will smooth it out. Additionally at the end I would like to show trash that has been re-purposed to make upscale goods and show that juxtoposed against people (particularally black men) who have gone to prison, was given a second chance and now they are upstanding citizens....like for example Judge Joe Brown.

I particularally was in love with working on the don't throw me away piece as I experimented with remix culture and appropriation. I was inspired to create this piece after the reading on metaphors. I watched all of the videos relating to metaphors. I also saw this quote "The greatest thing by far is to be a master of metaphor. It is the one thing that cannot be learned from others; it is also a sign of genius, since a good metaphor implies an eye for resemblance.
Aristotle, Poetics" This inspired me because I do think that I think in metaphor as a poet. When I see an object I look past the object and start to make connections to other things. So in the don't throw me away piece I used 2 motifs that I created and smashed them together with alternating images to create a metaphor.

Additionally, I really appreciated the writing style of Twala Tharp. It was refreshing to have something that i enjoyed reading at this level.

There is a lot of debate about whether or not I would be considered the author of such a piece. I would say I am. I am the one after all controlling the over all ending message and presentation no different from a Found Object art piece or a collage. At the same time, there are other authors embeded in the work. They however didn't intend to have their work say the things I am saying. I took great care in editing these videos running them in reverse (in the case of the trash that was an anti-litter video where the trash crawled into the bin), slowing things down, speeding them up. Ultimately, i wanted to say that we as a culture tend to throw things away without any thought of repurpsing. This is as much about sustainability and green movement work as it is about social justice and race. Instead of throwing things again, they can be given new chances and thus decrease the problems that we currently face. In the case of trash, our landfills are over filled and the things that get thrown in pollute our atmosphere. Similarly, black men get thrown into prison and if and when they are released they are not educated, given jobs etc and start to errode social fabric. The ones that are not released are masses of human potential that would never be realized.

Here are the materials that inspired my video. These sources deal with copyright, 'authorship', appropriation, participatory culture and ultimately democracy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Q25-S7jzgs
http://www.hulu.com/watch/88782/rip-a-remix-manifesto
If you want to see a full song/video by girl talk here is an example: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6JBAxkZun3s
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CJn_jC4FNDohttp://digitallearning.macfound.org/atf/cf/%7B7E45C7E0-A3E0-4B89-AC9C-E807E1B0AE4E%7D/JENKINS_WHITE_PAPER.PDF

The class I teach is Media Literacy Ms166 so we deal with this topic. I am also working with Dr. Denzin to think through some of this as it relates to performance studies.

Also I like the idea of mockumentaries and thought i would share this one I found:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GLgh9h2ePYw



Don’t Throw me away rough draft 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9XhzYIGcDX8

Don’t Throw me away rough draft 1:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PBry1p23NCo

Red wine: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1HlXNADvtTc

Is everybody going crazy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=udxFcvks8Ak

Theo Valentines Day video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yT2cGLXVVbU

(Due to copyright issues the sound is missing. I have the file on my computer.)

Maybe too ambitious....

So I was going to make a video about dad because that's all that i can think about however i am finding that I cant get through it. Its still too fresh and emotional...My thoughts feel scattered and my creative process has been DRASTICALLY altered in this state :-( ....moving on to plan....F.... maybe.....

Final Video Idea

As I think about my father's final transition of life I was inspired to make my final video about him...after all, I can't think about anything else. This class has taught me so many things and I was excited to have the opportunity to apply them in my father's honor for his funeral. I sat down to scan, upload adjust all of my photos began collecting vocal footage from voice mail messages etc. but I still have not let go of my nagging need for perfection....though it is impossible to achieve. I was vexed that my sound was off...I wish I had a shotgun mic I thought to myself as the funeral services went on. I wish my camera was in hd when we captured family moments...etc. then I would be able to make a video worthy of my fathers memory. Even after accepting my technical limitations I still emotionally found it nearly impossible to assemble because of the emotional difficulty despite the technical ease that this process now has because of practice. I ended up having to turn the initial job over to my friend to do his funeral video...perhaps that was too ambitious of me to think that I could possibly make the best video ever and do it in such emotional conditions with only a 4 day window. I was tormented. I did however make a video for him leading up to the funeral.

I have finally come to a resolve of accepting my limitations in this instance. I have also resolved to do a memorial video in my father's honor to give to friends and family. I would like to do it as my final video. I hope that I can get through it.

Here is a video I took when I went home of dad. I encouraged him to say 'lindsey i love you' at this stage he was very confused so scripting was necessary.

My Creative Process Writing Prompt

Describe your personal creative or research process. Provide any information you can on typical approach to creative inquiry in your field. Define the word research as it relates to your work:

 

My creative process works best when I am in alignment spiritually with the surrounding universe. It must be sincere. It starts with right brain thinking and the spirit. The left brain logic comes second hand. In my poetry, most of my work is free written and never edited first drafts. Interestingly, the poems I have edited people prefer them less to my raw poems. This says something to the point of sincerity. As Twyla Tharp alluded to, I have been a victim of my own thoughts, my own internal editor inviting me to fear povery. As an African American woman there are a lot of things that you dream of becoming, poor is not one of them. The more statistics I read, the more it evokes a sense of fear that makes me question the reliance on my internal spirit guide because it seems the academy feels its invalid. In my field I don’t know how creative inquiry is gone about since Communications is such a broad field. Those who are on the quantitative side seem to rely on ocular centric evidence and many of the qualitative types rely on auditory evidence and other forms…there are some that also invite spirit evidence. Gut feelings. Inner knowings. I am such a scholar in my private time but not in my ‘research’ at this point.

How I came into this: Background in mktg and adv --wanted to change marketing discourse around representation. Being a producer of media allows some progress in that area…additionally since I have been here I have been feeling more and more detached from non-academics. I feel the academy has a bad habit of hoarding knowledge and not sharing in an accessible way. Im a slam poet and a former corporate marketer and I got used to the idea of living a double life. Creativity seems more free and honest than ‘research’ in its connotation.

 

Idea for my Documentary

I have been personally interested in the area of African American females wearing their natural hair for a while and I have personally transitioned to natural hair from chemically straightened hair. Many African American mothers are interested in cultivating a positive self esteem for their daughters by showing them media and toys that affirm their natural beauty. Dolls are of concern to the community and though dolls have made progress over the years to become more inclusive, the hair is often straight. This makes some sence seeing that most african american women wear their hair straightened however there is a growing resurgance of women wanting to reclaim their natural beauty and want to see it replicated for their daughters. Some women have resorted to trolling or rerooting doll hair in order to replace the factory hair with kinky hair or even dreadlocks. I was thinking about interviewing Black women with an interest or concern for natural hair and their thoughts on dolls and also a woman who has specialized in spinning dreadlocks for dolls.

One issue I have come across is that the woman is sick and can not meet in person so we have been emailing only. I can incorporate our emailed conversations in the video perhaps. So far I am thinking of a mixture of found and original footage. Found footage may be from media that has dealt with black identity as it relates to natural hair (Good Hairmovie, Tyra Banks Show, My nappy Roots, Advertisements) original footage possibly of ladies I may interview or of me attempting to re-root a doll. Here are some of the questions I may ask the re-rooter:

How long have you been in the business of re-rooting/trolling?

What led you to the business?

Can you briefly describe the differences between of re-rooting, trolling and repainting?

What do you feel your work contributes to society? Why is this craft/trade important to you?

What are challenges that get in your way?

What plans do you have to pass the torch if any (since you mentioned you have retired)?

Could you describe your process of making the hair (spinning, dying etc)?

Can you describe the types of hair you have and what effects you get by combining them?

As an African American female who grew up with dolls with nylon hair I was particularly awe stricken by your dolls and dolls that were made by your hair. Did you intentionally create dolls to feel this void or was it more serendipitous?

How does this work make you feel?

How profitable has this business been for you? If you don't do the business for profit primarily, why do you do it?

How does it feel to know that you have personally done what doll makers refuse to do which is to acknowledge the natural beauty of black women?

Where do you normally get your dolls from and why?

For Ladies interested in natural hair dolls i may ask:

Is it important to you that your child plays with a doll with natural hair?

If given the option between a straight haired doll and a natural doll which would you choose?

How much would you be willing to pay for a doll with natural looking hair (dreads etc)?

Have you ever attempted to buy such a doll for your child or someone you know?

Reflect on your own experience with dolls, what would this have meant to you?

Videos i have created so far:

Green:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1bj9rMSuMSI

Red:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F-hHmlTbVGg

Gold:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GfvdFhG3wv0

Don't Throw me away rough draft 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PBry1p23NCo

Don't Throw me away rough draft 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9XhzYIGcDX8

Red wine: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1HlXNADvtTc

Is everybody going crazy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=udxFcvks8Ak

Theo Valentines Day video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yT2cGLXVVbU

(Due to copyright issues the sound is missing. I have the file on my computer.)

10 things i noticed today (week2)

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Day 1

1. I have great friends


2. Chocolate ice cream cake is decadent!


3. I have a pink shirt i haven't worn in a long time! Cute!


4. I LOVE surprises. Nothing better. The only thing better than parties are surprise parties. Yayyyyyy!!!!!!


5. Woaahhh this random guy thought i was making a pass at him...lol...um no.


6. I really like my gifts. Simple yet perfect. My friends know me really well. That makes me feel really good.


7. WATCHING my friends do karaoke is fun!


8. Seeing that I don't drink, the drinks that I am drinking are really having an effect on me


9. I made 4 new friends tonight


10. I feel good!

Day 2

1. It's my Birthday


2. Shopping for something to wear to my party...Nothing says birthday like glitter or shimmery beading! :-)


3. Reflexology massage...somehow the pulling on my hands and feet is making my neck tingle...i hope that's normal. I feel like a queen.


4. Yay free birthday food!! Whoo hoo!!!


5. Party is awesome! Like grown up chucky cheese!


6. I feel love all around me!


7. Look at how beautiful my orchid is. Laurie bought me a birthday orchid. We love the same flowers. Orchids, lillies, and also some roses and tulips.


8. Look at all the lights and fun around me! I am so excited!


9. I still have my 'touch' I beat the high score in the basketball game.


10. Lunch with my friend and coffee with another, finished off with a birthday bash...not a bad day!

Day 3

1. Woke up reeeeeallly late. So much for awareness


2. Look at all of my fun gifts my friends got me! They are so cute! We played games all night and at the end they put all of their tickets together (1200) to buy me gifts! How sweet is that!!! lol I got a disney princess ball and an elmo plush. Expensive winnings yes, but the experiance was priceless. Definately the best birthday I have had in a long time.


3. On the road to see the BF. Couldn't imagine not being able to spend it with him. I am a little bummed bc I mis-heard him and thought he had the following week off and he was coming here. Oh well....on the road again. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1TD_pSeNelU)


4. Yay im excited, my bf told his cast its my birthday maybe we are going to have bday party num 3!


5. I was wrong. No party tonight. Just hanging out with the cast members.


6. Great. fight with the bf. way to top off my bday. i guess i should have stayed home.


7. Ugghh the energy is all wrong.


8. I hate applebees :-(


9. Grrr what a bad night.


10. Stomach is cramping.

Day 4

1. Trying to forget about yesterday. There's plenty of time for birthday on a lazy sunday.


2. Great! the Bf's director called an impromptu rehersal which is going to take 5 hours AFTER their already scheduled play. I give up.


3. Decided to stay in and stream Agape church because my energy is headed south!


4. Feeling really great because I get to stream with Laurie. Rev is talking about being your self! Perfect.


5. Oh well...since I can't have the birthday celebration with the BF that I want, I am gonna have some self celebration at the mall...Arden B sent me a coupon and godiva has choc covered strawberries.


6. Welp...godiva is out of milk choc strawberries and arden b for the first time ever has nothing that I want. good grief.


7. Eating some other kind of Godiva strawberries. Close second.


8. Talking w Laurie...she's having guy probs. Glad to be there for her.


9. Met up with the BF in transition to his rehersal for about 45 min and we had Del Taco....gross.


10. Spent the bulk of the day by myself and learning how to make a zipper necklace. On the one hand today mostly sucked. On the other, I had good fellowship, a good word, a decent berry or two and learned something I have been wanting to do. I at least feel good about getting the first part of the necklace done.

DAY 5

1. When it rains it pours...literally. Gonna be a long drive home.


2. I asked theo to grab me french toast breakfast. Greatful that he got it.


3. Theo filled up my gas tank twice this weekend. That felt good. Especially because I didn't ask him.


4. Wild turkeys on the side of the road!


5. Woah i can't see anything--my windows are iced over


6. Went to get groceries and had to venture into the 'processed' section that i never go into to make sure i had food incase the power went out. Something weird about eating food with such a long shelf life :-/


7. As serious as the situation in egypt is...the BF and i were laughing at some of the images conjured up in our heads painted by the news. Mainly that they were running down the streets with Samauri swords and pitch forks. Random...but effective. Nothing says get out of town Mubarak like a Samauri sword!


8. Yummmmy Sun dried tomatoe hummus and garlic herb pita chips!


9. Canceling my class tomorrow. They are talking about crazy storms tomorrow!


10. Can't sleep.

Day 6

1. Lazy snow day. And tech failures. Can't get my videos to act right. Our internet is down and i can't go anywhere. Too many learning curves. This is a new mac so nothing is second nature. Ugh.


2. I was supposed to be having fun with this video project but its giving me a terrible time :-/


3. I have resolved that my videos will be far from perfect. Sigh.


4. Classes are canceled tomorrow! Maybe I can figure it out then


5. Movie night with the roomies! Yay slumber party.


6. Ok...how did the clutter come back to my room. Darn you clutter fairy!


7. My orchid is lovely!


8. Thinking about buying my roomate flowers for valentines day since she doesn't have a bf.


9. Snow is starting to fall!


10. RACHAEL! >:-O

10 things i noticed today

1. I took a new way home and realized there are dinosaurs in champaign!


2. I love creating things and have been newly inspired to make art out of repurposed 'stuff'


3. My jade is fine :-)


4. I love my hair. Its strong, curly, natural and authentic.


5. the warm covers on my body as the coldness surrounds outside puts me to sleep. This has to be one of the reasons babies cry when they come out of the womb.


6. I am interested in learning more about the material that common advertising waste is made out of and then repurposing it. Inspiration starts in my heart. There is a literal sensation that makes it jump and tingle and makes me bouncy and steps springy :-)


7. I love the smell of my soy candles ...and I feel great that they are soy


8. I want Godiva chocolate covered strawberries


9. I am sooooo glad I don't have to do anything on my birthday tomorrow


10. I need to go to the gym! Can't wait to see what a couple months of training will do.

10 Things i noticed today.

1. When i cut my onions today...I cut the onions. When I chopped my cilantro...I chopped the cilantro. No distractions just paying attention. And my food tasted even better.


2. Reading Deepak chopra's 3rd Law of success...the law of Karma...it is talking about doing good to others even when u don't want to. The energy will come back. Do good when you want to do so the least. To the person you don't want to do it for. I bought my roomate a cupcake.


3. Life is short. Eat dessert first! :-D


4. I wish that people could stay babies. Or at least children. Before the days of manipulation, and fear based decision making.


5. Streamed live to Agape Spiritual Center's wed service. One thing that came out of it: emotion is a subset of our perception. God doesnt have perception. God has vision of reality. That is why god is constant....I am glad that God is not as emotional as I am. How scary would that be...Emo God.


6. I fell asleep asking 'how can I best be of service?' last night...i only saw something that looked like a restaurant. I think i got distracted while meditating lol! I must discipline my mind.


7. My jade plant is thirsty


8. I am excited! My friends Laurie and Natalie are planning a birthday party for me! Yay!


9. I slept wrong, wrong, wrong last night....


10. This morning, I went to the mirror after my 'mirror fast' and realized I am not as 'fat' as I thought. I think I am probably at least 20 lbs smaller than what I thought i looked like in my mind. How did my perception get so warped? I actually like my body! Go figure. Now i just gotta tighten the gears a bit :-)

10 things I noticed today day 5

I  wasn't very aware today, but here were some things I noticed.

1. I am anticipating eating my breakfast, toast with honey, butter and a glass of milk...one problem...no  honey! I know it was here. I am frustrated looking for it.


2. Found the honey it was in my roomate's room...WHY?


3. Argument over honey. My roomate seems to think it's hers...I clearly bought it for my Sweet and Sour Thai noodles...I am annoyed.


4. Stress starts in my stomach and feels like a hand closing it up


5. I have said I don't know twice >:-(


6. My students are attentive today!


7. I feel soooo tired. Sleep. sleepiness is like a drunken heavy fog.


8. where did my day go...it's dark already.


9. Now I can't sleep.


10. Trying to meditate but all I can see are those fireworks that you see when you close your eyes. It made me think of my younger interests in being a pyrotechnic. Going to see if i can make one swirl.

10 Things I noticed today day4

1. I am feeling inspired to create. Not just with artistic things but perhaps a class for the advertising dept. Maybe I will make that into a part of my independent study


2. I have an excitement and curiosity to make culturally relevant dolls for black girls--perhaps with locs.


3. It is now 7:00 and I realized that I lost my day somehow and I need to catch up.


4. I dont feel as stressed about teaching my class


5. I want to try making a Persian Love Cake...the taste of rosewater is unmistakably delicious. I have only had it once but i have craved it ever since. Bought the ingredients a bit ago but never made it.


6. Talked to my grandmother today. She sounds tired. She never sounds tired.


7. I zoned out to a fantasy in my mind...i dreamed someone sent me beautiful flowers...roses, callalillies, tulips, all bright and cheery! Dove truffles, godiva chocolate covered strawberries. I have visons of a wonderful dinner (which they pay for) --we ride in a horse and carriage around the city and catch a broadway show! AMAZINGLY CLICHE fantasy lol! I don't know why I fantasize like this. I guess because i am in a long distance relationship and I wish we could be closer and do more romantic things. I think that's the only thing i want for in my relationship because my man is as close to perfect as a man can be.


8. Microfibersuede feels soothing to my skin


9. Im not as 'fat' as I thought. In my head I think I was much bigger last week.


10. I am craving something delicious and exciting. Something to perk up the taste buds. Sounds like a cupcake break. I can taste the vanilla bean frosting now :-)...only a little one or i will undue EVERYTHING i did yesterday.

10 Things i noticed today Day 3

1. I am greatful for the technology that allows me to stream live to Agape Church in LA.


2. I enjoy Natalie and Laurie's company. Whenever we hang out there are not enough hours in the day!


3. I worked out today for the first time in a year (i think it's been that long...which is ridiculous). I didn't die at the gym but worked out for a power hour! I enjoyed working out with Laurie.


4. I have a mixture of energy and fatigue. I am excited to put something beneficial in my body


5. There are so many veggies at the store that i do not know how to make!


6. I think my Deepak Chopra book is helpful. In thinking about the 2nd law of spiritual success--the law of giving and recieving....I am finding that I often expect not to recieve and that this is an area of frustration in my life. I do not expect reciprocity. Could I possibly be manifesting imbalance through assuming it will be there?


7. Sabra's sun dried tomato hummus + Kangaroo's Garlic Herb Pita Chips+Mixed green Salad and seasoned tuna and for dessert...Oranges w/Honey! Delicious. The tartness of the oranges balances the sweetness of the honey perfectly.


8. I feel light today. Like I am floating. Random songs keep coming into my head like Paula Abdul's Cold Hearted Snake, an oldie but goodie dancable song. I listened to it and Janet Jackson's Rhythym nation and jammed for old time sake. Where has all the good music gone?


9. My joy rubbed off on my boyfriend who is still grieving to the point where he started dancing on skype :-) This makes me happy knowing that something(s) about today went so well that without even trying I was happy and made someone else happy as a side effect.


10. I didn't say I don't know even once today! :D

10 things i noticed today day 2

1. I am making a conscious effort to be positive today because I felt yesterday my awareness was in negativity.


2. I am really excited because I get to learn a new craft! I am making things out of vinyl billboards. A 9 year old taught me how to do it and use a sewing machine lol :-) I feel empowered. They even asked me to be a guest artist and teach a class! Guess I gotta learn something first ;-)


3. Just got a text from my boyfriend and his cousin died. I didn't notice it. He sent it when I was sleep and i didn't notice it. I feel bad not being able to be there for him.


4. My mother got in a car accident so I am worried


5. My father is in the ICU and apparently can not recognize anyone...really worried


6. I love the color fuchsia ...one of the colors I am working with on this vinyl project!


7. I am having some difficulty focusing on positive right now. :-(


8. I said I don't know 3 times in my frenzy :-(...starting over tomorrow.


9. Things feel out of control temporarily. I think i am going to cook something and clean.


10. I feel better now with my room clean. My thoughts seem to flow easier. I have a pot of beef stew in the crock pot. i feel more peaceful.

10 Things I noticed today

After some technical difficulties I am finally up and running so I have some catching up to do.

Day 1:

1. that there are so many people walking down the street texting and looking down unaware of the environment around them


2. that many people do not make eye contact


3. people stare at ceilings and floors in elevators because they are seemingly uncomfortable with the silence or closeness.


4. I didn't see the sun today and that effected my mood.


5. I have a LOT of clutter in my room and looking at everything confuses my thoughts


6. My boyfriend challenged me not to say 'I don't know' --an apparent phrase that I say a lot which he feels undermines my inner knowing. He says to replace it with I know, or remain silent. This will be my exercise.


7. I think my phone may not like the cold because it is not working properly


8. My jade plant is so bright and green and shiny


9. I am dehydrated


10. Turns out my plant is wilting because i OVER watered it. Who knew!? Don't plants like water....This jade is new to me. Hopefully it pulls through. drying it out. Not a good day!